I feel like I know the true meaning of Christmas. But then again I realize that I am constantly growing and learning. Its just hard for me to accept that I am not content this Christmas. I did not prepare myself adequately to receive the joy that usually comes into my heart this time of year. I was to busy wrapped up in "the sin that should remain nameless." Today as I reflect, my heart aches, because I still feel like that little boy who was hurt so many years ago by what those other little boys called me. I can't help but feel different. It is so hard for me to accept what makes me unique. For example my sensitivity has always been a double edged sword. Being sensitive has help me with my relationships whether it be friendships, my relationship with my sister and even my relationship with God. But there have been numerous times where it has been thrown in my face. "Jacques you're way to sensitive." "It wasn't a big deal get over it!" All of these comments just throw salt on my unsubsiding wound. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. It so hard for me to accept where I am now, to truly love myself. I don't make it any better myself. Lately I have just been "mutilating and degrading" myself all for a little acceptance, just to earn someones approval or to distract myself from this pain which I feel daily. Doing things that I would never would imagine myself doing with persons I would never imagine either. The feeling afterward is the worst. Feeling beyond "dirty" and trying to shower the scum off you but knowing that it won't come off, because its on your soul. "Soul scum" from "the sin that shall remain nameless." Yet I am shameless because I keeping going back. Like a moth attracted to the flame. I won't stop until I reach my destruction.
MERRY CHRISTMAS...hope its more cheerful than mine.
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