Juxtaposition

Monday night, I spent time with a couple who lived in a brownstone.  It was gothic, chic and lovely all at the same time.  The lights were dimed low and the aroma of kente oil and expensive candles filled the air.  They were a couple who had unsual things in common.  Things that a couple shouldn't have in common.  They weren't "complementary" if you know what I mean.  I came to participate in there "un-complementary-ness."  So I sat on there comfy leather couch and watched re-runs.  The conversation was interesting but bane.  It was empty.  It lacked substance.  I left feeling more empty and a cast away then when I walked through the foyer.

Tuesday night, I spent time with a couple who lived in a quaint house on Rintin.  I was simply and decorated with pictures of friends and family.  The lights were on high.  The couple was complementary.  They had different opinions, but were focused on the same goal.  We came together to bow our heads and put our hands together.  Through our lips words of praise escaped as we simontaneously rolled beads with our finger tips.  Then they serve me watered down hot cocoa, which was okay because it was the conversation that was rich.  It went down better than the cocoa.  I left filling warm and uplifted.  For I had found truth, but never would have realized it if I hadn't suffered the night before. 

Rejection

Its a pain unlike any other.  You just want to scream. "Why don't you like me?"  I can be all things to all people.  I want to be desired.  I want you to like me.  Then you wimper and make a sad face and repeat softly and slowly, "why don't you like?"

Life According To MTV

I hope you enjoy this poem.

Guilty.  I have watched everyone of your lies and half truths.

I have lived my life according to what you deemed virtue.

I believed your truth.

That in "The Real World" all there is to do is drink and have threesomes in showers.  

I may have also missed the oppurtunity of a lifetime to meet someone because I chose to say that four letter word...NEXT

And I may not have dated many moms but I know that is not how to find a mate

It is much deeper than that...it's profound.  It is not an idea that fits in a box, its more round. It isn't a gimmick.

I have seen many beaches but none like Laguna and who is that Lauren girl anyway?

The Hills once were alive with the sound of music but now filled with the clatter of screams exchanged by Heidi and Lauren (really who is she?) Do we really know who she is ?   

Shot glasses filled love don't compare to foutains and pools.  That is the love I have known.  Love that is abysmal and rooted in him who is Love himself.    The love that I know, has a long lasting flavor.   A flavor of memories that are more than 45 minutes of edited "reality."  It is thirst quenching, you don't need a drink weekly dose at 8pm eastern time.

What is true then?  The truth is that "you think you know but you have no idea."  That is my "True Life" because my stories are unknown to you and play in my head like "reality."

Vampire Weekend: Anything But Sucky!

I love this band...there sound is like nothing I have ever heard. I love it! This song almost sounds like calypso.

Midnite Surrender

Last night's reading really touched me and relieved the pain on my heart.  I was really upset and fustrated.  Why do I have to have this thorn in my side? Why do I have to deal with this particular issue.  Sometimes I wish I had every other "affliction", than this one.

Then when the lady with the loud makeup stepped up on the podium and the words rolled off her ruby red lips, something rattled deep within my soul.  Jesus came to take up the "yoke that burdened" me.  If I only surrender and humbly admit my failings, things will get better.  What I need is "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to know the difference."  God has allowed me to go through these struggles for a purpose.  There are so many people who if put in my position could have drank and smoked poision to kill themselves softly.  There are others who could have really mutilated themselves.  There are even some who would've chosen death by self.  I am a survivor.  I am no better than my brothers and sister who chose those options.  God knows many of those options have crossed my mind.  God has given me the grace to be tenacious.  The strength to hang in there.  The courage to dare to be different.  I am a mess.  I don't have it together.  Somedays are easier then others, but I am happy to be here.  And I thankful for "my affliction", it is my gift and my curse.  Without it I feel my life may have taken a completely different course and I probably would have never met the people who I have fallen in love with (friends) or have come to know God the way that I know him. And I know things will get better if I work hard and I pray.

Christmas Blues

I feel like I know the true meaning of Christmas.  But then again I realize that I am constantly growing and learning.  Its just hard for me to accept that I am not content this Christmas.  I did not prepare myself adequately to receive the joy that usually comes into my heart this time of year.  I was to busy wrapped up in "the sin that should remain nameless."  Today as I reflect, my heart aches, because I still feel like that little boy who was hurt so many years ago by what those other little boys called me.  I can't help but feel different.  It is so hard for me to accept what makes me unique.  For example my sensitivity has always been a double edged sword.  Being sensitive has help me with my relationships whether it be friendships, my relationship with my sister and even my relationship with God.  But there have been numerous times where it has been thrown in my face.  "Jacques you're way to sensitive." "It wasn't a big deal get over it!"  All of these comments just throw salt on my unsubsiding wound.  I have never felt comfortable in my own skin.  It so hard for me to accept where I am now, to truly love myself.  I don't make it any better myself.  Lately I have just been "mutilating and degrading" myself all for a little acceptance, just to earn someones approval or to distract myself from this pain which I feel daily.  Doing things that I would never would imagine myself doing with persons I would never imagine either.  The feeling afterward is the worst.  Feeling beyond "dirty" and trying to shower the scum off you but knowing that it won't come off, because its on your soul.  "Soul scum" from "the sin that shall remain nameless."  Yet I am shameless because I keeping going back.  Like a moth attracted to the flame.  I won't stop until I reach my destruction. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS...hope its more cheerful than mine.

BEYONCE as AIDA

Aida is one of my favorite musicals.  I love the songs and the story and my wish is finally coming true.  It is coming to the big screen in 2010.  And guess who was offered the part of AIDA none other than the Queen Bee herself Ms. Beyonce Knowles Carter.  I think Heather Headley should play the character because she has played Aida for the longest.  She is the best Aida.  It is going to be interesting how this plays out.